During the summer of 1967 in Evanston, Illinois, police found Mrs. Beulah Parker’s diamonds buried in her neighbor’s back yard. Mr. Fred Smith was taken into custody and spent two nights at the station, answering questions and denying wrongdoing.

Mr. Smith claimed to have no knowledge of Mrs. Parker’s precious gemstones and jewelry. As a successful banker, he argued, he saw no motive for the crime on his part. Officer Wright did not see it that way, and Mr. Parker spent a third night at the county lock-up.

The next morning, Mrs. Parker arrived as soon as the station doors were unlocked.

“You’ve got the wrong man! Mr. Parker did not steal my diamonds,” she cried as she unfastened the clasp on her purse.

A brown squirrel clambered out of her handbag and took off across the booking desk. Wright and his officers spent the next two hours apprehending the squirrel.

Afterwards, Mrs. Parker explained. Her dressing table was next to her bedroom window. Due to the heat, she had been leaving the window slightly open. Outside the window was a large, sprawling maple tree, which the squirrel used to gain access to the house.

“Just yesterday, I came out of the shower to find this little squirrel fumbling with one of my rings,” she proclaimed.

Officer Wright was suspicious at first, but Mrs. Parker’s husband added his testimony as an eye witness. With that, Mr. Smith was released, Officer Wright closed the case, and Mrs. Parker recovered all of her jewelry.

The Incans widely believed ingesting amethyst prolonged life and, in sufficient quantities, could make a man immortal. This belief fell out of favor after miners began dying due to internal bleeding caused by lacerations in their intestines from consuming raw amethyst ore.

The fairies discuss job prospects and their equally silly outfits.

Spoilers, but who cares anymore?

The episode opens in the Enchanted Forest, where the Blue Fairy is teaching the effervescent pink fairy, named Nova, how to handle being all magical and stuff and discusses her career prospects. In her clumsiness, Nova accidentally drops some fairy dust from the heavens and it lands on a giant egg deep down in a mine. The egg hatches and out comes Dreamy the dwarf.

Dwarves hatch from eggs. Does anything else really need to be said?

Cut to Granny’s diner in Storybrooke. Leroy breaks open his hardboiled egg. When asked politely to move from his seat, he refuses and continues to be gruff and creepy. Mary Margaret, seeking to redeem herself among the townsfolk after her affair with David, drops by hoping to find volunteers to sell candles for Miners’ Day. Every year the nuns from the local convent craft candles to be sold at the fair. Everyone is too busy avoiding her gaze to volunteer. Leroy attempts to leave and bristles at her efforts to recruit him, remarking that he’s the town drunk and she’s the harlot. What could they ever accomplish together?

Outside, Mary Margaret laments she is a home wrecker to Emma. Emma takes an important sheriff call and, after offering some trite encouragement to Mary Margaret, leaves.

"Well, hello there little lady..." Leroy is instantly smitten with Sister Astrid.

Meanwhile, Leroy stalks around the fairgrounds as if his boots were filled with cement when a woman accidentally spills some confetti on him. It turns out that she is a foxy, but clumsy, nun and Nova’s Storybrooke equivalent. Leroy instantly develops a crush. He impresses her with his electrical engineering skills and laments that his only a janitor. The nun, whose name is Astrid, tells him he can do anything he dreams. She is easily amazed.

At the crime scene, Emma inspects Kathryn’s abandoned sedan. Sidney arrives. He says he is now a freelancer, writing for the Huffington Post, and promises he will get Kathryn’s phone records for Emma. It’s clear that Sidney is working with Regina, and whatever records he may provide will be tampered. As Emma continues her investigation, David pulls up in his truck. After talking to David, Emma rebuffs Sidney, knowing David is telling the truth. After all, that’s totally consistent with her happenstance ability to tell when someone is lying.

Sidney manages to annoy Emma at every turn of her investigation by making this face.

Back in the enchanted diamond mines, the young Dreamy is prepped for his life of living with other dwarves and backbreaking labor. Dreamy asks about the pretty lady he saw in his dreams (Nova, the pink fairy), but Bossy, his boss, laughs. Bossy explains that dwarves are built for one thing and one thing only – working. Dwarves don’t fall in love, and there are no lady dwarves. That’s why they are hatched from dinosaur eggs and emerge at the ripe age of 45.

Ah yes. "Stealthy." This fucking show...

The other dwarves have also hatched and are ready to start work. Down in the mines, they each receive an axe which reveals their dwarf nicknames. The first dwarf steps up. Does this guy look familiar? He picks up an axe, and the name Stealthy appears. Well, I’ll be damned; Stealthy didn’t disappear into bottomless pit of one-off characters. Each dwarf follows his lead. Dreamy is last.

Back in Storybrooke, Leroy tries to convince Mary Margaret to let him volunteer so he can get closer to Sister Astrid. Though he pulled a Rush Limbaugh by calling her a harlot, Mary Margaret is desperate for volunteers and accepts him. At the same moment, Sister Astrid realizes she has ordered too many tanks of helium. She is forgetful in Storybrooke too! Now she has wasted the nuns’ carefully planned budget! So much for that Excel spreadsheet. Though Astrid says it was a mistake, she really needed the tanks to maintain her high-pitched voice.

Mary Margaret is wary of having Leroy as a volunteer after his surly behavior.

Back in the diamond mine, the dwarves are hard at work crushing diamonds into fairy dust. Nova fills her fairy satchel, but can’t turn off the funnel until Dreamy comes and helps her. Dreamy recognizes her from his dreams. Nova ineptly loses the fairy dust on the conveyor belt, and Dreamy once again saves the day by hoisting the sacred bag from a fiery furnace. Nova moans that she is an idiot, but Dreamy protests, telling her she is capable of anything. Impressed by his optimism, Nova invites Dreamy to watch the fireflies with her. Alone. At night. Dreamy doesn’t catch her drift and tells her to have fun.

Back in Storybrooke, Mary Margaret and Leroy have a hard time selling candles at the fairgrounds. Leroy insists they should try to sell door-to-door instead. A hilarious montage ensues, but they are not very successful. At the end of the day, they have not sold any candles.

Meanwhile, Sidney and Emma talk about the missing person’s case as Sidney plays a carnival game. Sidney implicates “pixie cut” Mary Margaret in Kathryn’s disappearance, insisting that she has a motive. Emma tells Sidney to just get those damn phone records.

In the Enchanted Forest, Dreamy and his dwarven brethren eat and drink at the tavern. Dreamy is distracted and more like Mopey. He can’t stop thinking about Nova and he feels all funny. Bossy tells him it’s all in his head, but, low and behold, Belle overhears them and tells Dreamy that he is in love. She tells him that Nova was actually inviting him to see the fireflies. Also, Belle is not dead, like the Evil Queen said.

Belle, who is definitely not dead, tells Dreamy that Nova was trying to flirt with him.

In Storybrooke, Leroy tries to tell Sister Astrid that he couldn’t sell a single candle. Overwhelmed by his failure, he lies and says that he sold all of them. Mary Margaret stands in the back in shock. She then berates Leroy with an angry whisper, but he claims he has a plan to sell the candles. He just hasn’t figured it out yet. Mary Margaret realizes he likes Sister Astrid, and Leroy throws her own sordid affair with David in her face. He’s a classy guy.

"I can't help it, Mary Margaret. I'm not only a hobo, I'm a compulsive liar!"

Back in fairytale land, Dreamy meets Nova on the hill. Nova and Dreamy bemoan their life callings. Dreamy suggests that they get a boat and explore the world together. Nova kisses him and agrees to run away.

Speaking of boats, in order to make some cash for the nuns, Leroy tries to negotiate a fair price on his dilapidated boat with Mr. Gold. The two churlish men can’t come to an agreement. Leroy won’t accept less than $5,000 for the rundown vessel, and Mr. Gold hates the nuns and won’t buy the boat to help them. Leroy asks,” Who doesn’t like nuns?” Anyone who went to Catholic school. Mr. Gold departs and Sister Astrid arrives. She finds all the candles on the boat, not sold, and storms off. Leroy feels like crap, and rightly so.

Sidney brings Emma the phone records (given to him by Regina). Emma is shocked to find that David’s story is inconsistent. He said he had not talked to Kathryn since the day before she left, but the phone records indicate otherwise. Sidney supports the veracity of the documents while Emma’s internal lie detector implodes.

Over at the diner, Mary Margaret and Leroy drink. Because what else is there to do when you’ve hit the bottom of the barrel? The town harlot and the town drunk can’t accomplish anything. They were just dreaming.

In the Enchanted Forest, Dreamy attempts to sneak out of the dwarf barracks but is foiled by Stealthy. The rest of the dwarves gather around Dreamy as he describes how anything is possible with love. His dwarven brothers bid him farewell. As Dreamy leaves,but  Bossy stops him and reminds Dreamy of his responsibility to the mines as a worker and drills home the point that dwarves are incapable of love. “You’re a dwarf, Dreamy. You’re not capable of love.”

The blue fairy comes to aid Bossy and crush Dreamy’s heart into a pile of dust finer than any fairy dust. If Dreamy and Nova run away together, the consequences are dire. Nova will lose her wings, and with them, any hope of becoming a fairy godmother.

Bossy stops Dreamy from running away. "You're a dwarf! You can't love. Didn't that lobotomy do anything?!"

"Yeah, you can't go off with a fairy. Look at you! You're all gross and stuff. And think about her career!"

"Okay, I get it. I'm a dwarf, not a person capable of emotion or thought... Assholes."

At the diner, Leroy reveals to Mary Margaret why he likes Astrid so much. Sister Astrid was the first person in his life who told him he could do anything, and he didn’t want to disappoint her. Mary Margaret tries to think of any good memories with David but can’t do it. She admits that their love wasn’t worth it in the end.

In a spontaneous drunken moment, Leroy rushes to the fairgrounds and steps out onto the roof of a picnic shelter. Mary Margaret follows, yelling at the crazy, possibly suicidal coot. Leroy glares at her; he wasn’t going to jump. Instead, he hits the power transformer connected to the lights with an axe. Darkness floods the fairgrounds.

"I'm gonna make it rain sparks! Muahahaha!" Leroy has a brilliant idea after drinking with Mary Margaret.

In the fairytale realm, Dreamy and Nova meet on the hill, and Dreamy tells her that they cannot be together. Nova is crushed to realize that Dreamy no longer thinks they are special and has become bitter. Their love is dead.

Dreamy returns to the mine, and breaks his axe in a fit. When handed a new one, a new name appears on the handle: “Grumpy.”

In Storybrooke, Mary Margaret and Leroy sell all of the candles thanks to Leroy’s poor judgment. Leroy gives Astrid the proceeds from the candle sale. He and Mary Margaret sold enough to guarantee that the nuns can stay in the convent and not be kicked out by Mr. Gold.

Meanwhile, at the police station, Sheriff Emma continues to hem and haw about the phone records and the investigation. Regina tells her to get her head back in the game or she will fire her. It’s not an episode of “Once Upon a Time” unless Regina threatens Emma with replacement or a restraining order.

Mary Margaret returns to her tramp-stamped car and is saddened, remembering the town’s hatred for her. Granny lights her candle and pats her on the back. Mary Margaret has started to make amends. After this touching moment, Mary Margaret sees David as Emma puts him in the police car. Emma takes David to the station for questioning. The end.

David is sad that he is now a suspect in Kathryn's disappearance.

I can’t get over dwarves hatching from eggs and clumsy, giggling fairies. There are some truly bizarre aspects to how biology works in the Enchanted Forest. This could go either way to be delightfully zany or groan worthy. I’ll err on the side of zany for now, and take it easy.

I’m glad to see Mary Margaret is slowly being brought back into the fold of Storybrooke. Perhaps Granny regretted her earlier chastising? Or the writers are making a comment on Rush Limbaugh’s recent outbursts. Either way, Mary Margaret is returning to the good side of Storybrooke’s citizens, while David’s trip to the police station casts him further into the darkness.

The Onion’s AV Club gave this episode a B. You can read a funnier and more accurate recap at Entertainment Weekly as well.

David, don't look so offended. You're a schmuck.

Here there be spoilers!

The episode opens in the Enchanted Forest, where Prince James is on the run and having some serious cold feet about his wedding. He is stopped by a group of mysterious individuals, dressed in robes, on horseback. It turns out to be his bride-to-be, Princess Abigail. At first, Prince James thinks Abigail wants to drag him back to the altar, but she reveals she didn’t want to get married either. Instead, she wants to help him escape.

"August? Your name is August?"

In Storybrooke, David and Kathryn eat some Shake n’ Bake chicken for dinner. Kathryn reveals that she has been accepted into law school in Boston, and David’s first reaction is to go be with another woman. He goes out for a walk with Mary Margaret, who wants to come clean about their relationship. As always, David doesn’t want to, but assuages Mary Margaret by saying he chooses her – just like Ash chose Pikachu.

Meanwhile, Emma and the mysterious writer flirt outside of the diner. He finally tells her his name. “August W. Booth.” Seriously? Emma is unimpressed by his stupid, stupid name.

Inside, Emma meets Mary Margaret for a chat. When Mary Margaret admits that she’s been seeing David despite promising not to, Emma says “No shit, Sherlock.”

Emma tells Mary Margaret that she is a crappy adulterer.

David tells Kathryn that he can’t go to Boston… because it’s just not fair to her. She deserves a chance to start again, and David deserves another chance to perpetuate his lies and put off of the inevitable.

Princess Abigail's love, Frederick, was "accidentally" turned to gold by King Midas.

Back in the Enchanted Forest, Abigail reveals the truth of her true love, Frederick, who bravely defended her and her father, King Midas, from an attack. King Midas repaid him for this favor by patting him on the back and turning him into a gold statue. James asks, “Have you tried True Love’s Kiss ™?”, but Abigail has tried everything without success. Except for the waters of a certain lake that will cure any ailment and break any curse. It’s not so simple though; there is a monster that lives in the lake and will kill any man who comes. Moved by Abigail’s own loss of true love and his own death wish, Prince James agrees to go to the lake and get the water to help free Abigail’s love from his golden prison.

Back in Storybrooke, the smug writer is doing something with Henry’s book. Let’s assume he’s being nice and repairing it.

So these are what words look like?

After David fails to tell Kathryn the whole truth, she goes to Regina’s office, where she interrupts Regina conversing with  a despondent Henry. Kathryn reveals to Regina what happened with David, and Regina accidentally lets it slip that David has been having an affair with Mary Margaret. She even has pictures to prove it because she is cray-cray.

Angered that Regina didn’t come to her in the first place, Kathryn goes to the school, tracks down Mary Margaret in the hallway, and smacks her across the face. In a very public argument, Kathryn berates Mary Margaret and skewers David for hiding their affair. Confused, Mary Margaret quickly learns that David did not tell Kathryn about their illicit romance. She is devastated.

Kathryn comes in for a parent teacher conference.

Mary Margaret recovers from Kathryn's slap.

As Mary Margaret walks through town, she is harangued by Granny and subject to the local natter for her part in breaking up Kathryn and David. Was everyone at the school when it  happened? Or did Regina get on Facebook? Mary Margaret finds David scrubbing the word “tramp” off of the side of her car. This is the last straw for her. She breaks it off with David and spends the rest of the episode moping.

David tries to wipe the slut-shaming from Storybrooke.

The creature of the lake - the siren.

Back in the Enchanted Forest, James descends to the mystic lake to retrieve the healing waters, and the creature reveals itself. And it is NOT Rumpelstiltskin. Thank god. Instead, it is a sultry siren that can be whatever he desires, including Snow White. She takes Snow’s form and seduces James, drawing him into the water. James loses not only his sword, but his bearings, upon seeing Snow.

After some heavy petting, he manages to break free of her seductive spell, but it is too late; she pulls him under the water. As he sits at the bottom of the lake, he spots a dagger and thrusts it in the siren’s abdomen, killing her.

Yoohoo, Prince Charming! It's me, Snow...

Uh oh....

He returns to Princess Abigail with the magical water, which she pours on the golden statue and her true love is restored to his human form. If you recall the gym teacher Kathryn bumps shoulders with at the school, it is him! Reunited with Frederick, Abigail thanks James, and he sets off to reunite with Snow White. Before he leaves, Abigail tells him, “Some people will stop at nothing to destroy the happiness of others.” I wonder who she could be referring to…

James’ search for Snow leads him to a meadow where he finds Red Riding Hood. Red tells him that Snow had left the woods to find him and stop the wedding. Realizing that King George made Snow lie about her love for him, James is distraught, but there is little time for wallowing as said king and his soldiers arrive, ready to kill.

Not the best first date.

Meanwhile, the Honorable Sir August W. Booth takes Emma out for a drink at the local wishing well, which really is a well. He divulges to Emma that the water is said to have magical powers that will return something that was once lost to the consumer. Emma sees no problem drinking water from an untreated well.

Emma returns to her car, finds Henry’s book dumped in the concrete gutter, and returns it to him. She chalks it up to circumstance. His Majesty, August W Booth, rubs his hands together with glee, having set up his plan so perfectly. For what reason? Anyway, Operation Cobra is back on, and that means more Henry in the future.

Emma finds Henry's book in a gutter behind her car. August W. Booth watches from afar.

Mayor Regina steals Kathryn's heartfelt note to David.

Meanwhile, Kathryn has one final talk with Regina and admits that her relationship with David was never real. She plans to move on and start her new life in Boston while leaving the two adulterers to each other. She leaves a letter for David at their house. Do you hear that jingle jangle? It’s Regina’s giant rusty key ring! Regina sneaks into Kathryn’s home, takes the letter, and burns it before David returns.

As Kathryn leaves Storybrooke, she takes a detour at the road sign and crashes. The gym teacher, her fairytale Frederick, finds her car abandoned on the side of the road with no sign of Kathryn.

After crashing her car, Kathryn is gone.

Regina uses Kathryn’s letter to David as kindling and smiles like a demon.

Regina loves fire.

The episode ends with a close up of Regina’s smiling face lit up by fire.

Finally, it feels like Once Upon a Time is back on its rickety tracks, even if the characters are being knocked around the mine cart. Mary Margaret and Kathryn’s confrontation is almost too picturesque as Kathryn storms through the school. Her anger and hurt is visceral as Mary Margaret’s dreams of love are crushed by David’s fumbling and bumbling. Both women leave him standing alone on the streets of Storybrooke, wearing that adorable confused expression he always has.

I was relieved to find that Princess Abigail isn’t a snotty brat, but instead a woman who has suffered the loss of her own True Love™  just like Prince James. What had once been a loveless engagement became a friendship born from their shared despair. Prince James restores Abigail’s love, Frederick, to human form, and Abigail restores Prince James’ faith in love.

Prince James seems to be so brave and determined, yet David is a total boob. Most characters in Storybrooke show some semblance of their fairytale counterpart’s personality. What’s your excuse, David?

Kathryn wins a special award for being the most consistently written character in Storybrooke. The main cast suffers from character derailment and spontaneous memory lapses. Kathryn is treated more as a tool than a character until this particular episode. Though Mary Margaret does a wonderful job of moping, I’m sick of her and David. Give me more of Kathryn and the unnamed gym teacher!

I strongly recommend reading the recap/review at The Onion’s AV Club and Hillary Busis’ weekly recap for more details and analysis.

Rumpelstiltskin is offended!

Spoilers, but who cares anymore?

The show opens in fairy tale land with Belle giving herself over to Rumpelstiltskin in exchange for the safety of her village in the Ogre Wars. Though her father, Sir Maurice, and fiancé, Gaston, forbid the terms of the deal, Belle throws herself on the mercy of a giggly little man. This fate is better to her than being trapped with the ghastly Gaston. He does seem rather dull, honestly, but not bad enough to go for a gold-skinned goblin man.

In Storybrooke, Mr. Gold is playing repo man. Storybrooke’s florist, Moe French, apparently didn’t hold up his end of a bargain, and Mr. Gold has come to collect payment by taking his truck away. Regina catches Mr. Gold afterward and tries to talk with him, but Mr. Gold brushes her off with a “please.” Remember that deal?

David and Mary Margaret chat from across their tables at the diner. Enter Emma. Mary Margaret tells her that Henry misses her without prompting. Before we get into any developments, Emma leaves to take care of some police business.

Meanwhile, in fairy tale land, Belle has become the housekeeper at Rumpelstiltskin’s castle. His outbursts and odd behavior have made her nervous and when she chips a cup, she expresses her regret. Rumple puts her at ease, thus beginning their romance and presenting the faulty vessel that symbolizes Rumpel, the chipped tea cup.

Emma and Mr. Gold have a tense moment.

Emma arrives at Mr. Gold’s recently robbed abode. Inside, she finds Mr. Gold pointing a gun at her. After a tense moment, Mr. Gold lowers the gun. Emma tells Mr. Gold that she is on the case, but he isn’t happy about it. Reluctantly, he reveals that the perpetrator is Moe French, the florist.

Back at the dark castle, Rumpelstiltskin continues spinning hay into gold and Belle tries to open the curtains to let a little light in the dank room. Rumpelstiltskin nailed the curtains to the walls to prevent sunlight from entering the castle. As she tears the curtains from the walls, she falls, and Rumpelstiltskin catches her. Oh boy.

Rumpel feels a strange sensation in his loins.

At the sheriff’s office, Emma pats herself on the back as she shows Mr. Gold all his recently pilfered belongings, but he is viciously unimpressed. She missed something, perhaps the most important thing that was stolen. Perplexed, Emma insists that she will get it back when she tracks down Moe. Mr. Gold makes another veiled threat – “Not if I find him first” – and storms out of the office.

In fairy tale land, Belle and Rumplstiltskin attempt to have a conversation. Belle asks how she can live in this castle for the rest of her life without getting to know him. As Rumplestiltkin’s shriveled heart begins to saturate and expand, Gaston rings the doorbell. In less than 30 seconds of screen time, Gaston is turned into a rose and deposited on Rumpel’s table. Belle talks about the limited opportunities for women in the kingdom, despite giving herself up for a life in captivity. Rumpel offers to let Belle go to town and get some straw and, in exchange, he will tell her about his son.

In Storybrooke, Ruby, Ashley, and Mary Margaret go out for a ladies’ night. David picks up cards from the pharmacy, including a classic “I Woof You,” and runs into Mr. Gold. Mr. Gold purchases some rope and duct tape for a fun-filled Valentine’s Day.

Ladies' Night.... is really just Mary Margaret and Ashley missing their men.

"Well helllllloooooo! Where are you going?"

As Belle traipses through the forest on her way to town, the Evil Queen’s carriage jostles up alongside her. Queen Regina emerges wearing an overwrought get-up and strolls with Belle. She innocently explains to Belle that the kiss of true love will break any curse, even a crumpled little man’s pox. This is enough to send Belle running back to Rumpelstiltskin rather than escaping.

Upon her return to the castle, she asks Rumpelstiltskin to uphold his end of the bargain and tell her about his son. She kisses him, and he begins to turn back into a man. Upon hearing her joyous cries, Rumpelstiltskin loses his shit. He accuses Belle of being a minion of the Evil Queen and throws her in the dungeon. After casting her away, Rumpel goes on a rampage, destroying his stuff, but stops when he finds the chipped cup.

Rumpel loses his shit when Belle tells him about true love's kiss.

In Storybrooke, Mr. Gold drives the commandeered florist truck up to the cabin in the hills. In the back, Moe is bound and gagged. Mr. Gold shows off his dexterity with his cane by shoving Moe into the cabin and beating him. Not bad for an older man with a limp.  He interrogates Moe about the missing item, but Moe can only cry in pain. Luckily, Emma stops Mr. Gold before he can kill Moe.

Mr. Gold mercilessly beats Moe with his cane.

At ladies’ night, Ashley laments about her life as a teenage mother and her lame boyfriend. Mary Margaret commiserates in the only way she knows show – by talking and thinking about herself. Then Ashley’s boyfriend appears, gives her a bouquet, and proposes.

While Mr. Gold beats Moe in the cabin far away, Ashley finally gets that proposal!

Mary Margaret goes outside for some fresh air and finds David. He offers her a Valentine’s card. She opens it and reads “I woof you, Kathryn.” Saddened but unsurprised, she tells him to go home to Kathryn.

Back at the cabin, Moe is taken away by paramedics. Mr. Gold stands gingerly next to Sheriff Swan’s police car, and Emma gets out the cuffs.

"You nearly beat a man to death. You're not going anywhere, asshole."

In fairytale land, Rumpelstiltskin visits Belle in her cell and releases her once more. She can’t leave before trying to convince him that he loves her and calls him a coward. Rumpelstiltskin says that his power is far more valuable to him than her love could ever be.

Back in Storybrooke, Emma tries to fulfill her favor to Mr. Gold by offering him half of a pastrami sandwich. Regina enters and offers Emma 30 minutes with Henry in exchange for time with Mr. Gold. Emma hurries out to get ice cream with Henry.

Regina taunts Mr. Gold with the chipped cup.

Regina and Mr. Gold watch each other like frenemies. “What’s your name?” Regina asks.

Mr. Gold acts coy for a moment before he gives in, realizing that Regina has what he seeks: the chipped cup.  “Rumpelstiltskin.”

In fairytale land, the Evil Queen visits a dour Rumpelstiltskin and tells him of Belle’s fate. Abandoned by her fiance and shunned by her father, Belle is locked in a tower, exorcised by holy men, and ultimately persecuted for her association with Rumpelstiltskin. Driven to shame and madness, she throws herself from the top of the tower. Rumpelstiltskin’s heart shrivels as the Evil Queen giggles.

"You're lying..."

"Am I?"

In the Storybrooke hospital, Regina enters a secret stairwell and continues down a corridor into the dank ward of the hospital. It turns out that this is where she has been keeping Belle hidden from Mr. Gold.

*sigh*

This take on Beauty and the Beast left me cold. I found Belle falling in love with Rumpelstiltskin to be somewhat unconvincing. I get it. This is a television show with 45 minutes to tell the story. The writers use the magic of dialogue to skip the first few months of Belle and Rumpel’s relationship. “Well, now that I’ve been here for two months…” is akin to saying “Without my horse, I wouldn’t have spent that year in college.” It explains nothing and leaps to the conclusion.

Perhaps the most unpleasant part of this episode was the beating of Moe French. After Moe is thrashed by Mr. Gold’s cane, we see the girls out on the town for ladies’ night and Ashley’s boyfriend proposes. How cavalier. At least Emma arrests Mr. Gold and taunted him with her pastrami sandwich.

Also, David is such a tool to give Mary Margaret the wrong Valentine’s Day card.

"I Woof You!" Seriously? David, leave your wife!

Here there (may) be spoilers!

The Weave-apeau

The Evil Queen is well known for her unusual and frequently over-the-top wardrobe, ranging from her plethora of pleather leggings to her plunging necklines, plumes of feathers, and hi-low hemmed gowns. However, one item tops all of her other accessories: the weave chapeau. In the episode ”True North“, Queen Regina comes across Hansel and Gretel in the woods and emerges from her carriage wearing this atrocity.

The Evil Queen's evil weave

Stealthy, the forgotten (or invented) 8th dwarf.

Stealthy, the 8^th Dwarf

When Snow White is imprisoned with Grumpy in the King’s castle, they are rescued by another crafty dwarf named Stealthy. We don’t get to learn much about Stealthy, the 8^th dwarf, because he is a standard “redshirt.” He is killed about five minutes later and left choking on his own blood in the courtyard. The dwarves make a fleeting reference to only being “seven” now, and Stealthy is tossed into the bin of forgotten plot and character elements.

"I'm just fighting fire with- FIRE!"

“I’m just fighting fire with- FIRE!”

Sometimes, dialogue can be bad, but this often happens when a writer thinks himself very clever. In “Desperate Souls“, Emma and Regina argue over the sheriff election in the mayoral office. Emma says, “I’m fighting fire with-” – she opens the door to see a blazing fire- and yells “Fire!”

I imagine that this sounded a lot better sitting around a table full of writers than in the actual episode.

Mayor Regina is watching you take your groceries to the car.

Mayor Regina Mills is in Everyone’s Business

In Storybrooke, everyone’s business is Mayor Regina’s business. Regina roves around town, acting as the moral police to would-be adulterers, spying on her son and Emma, and performing her own shifty business. When Mary Margaret bumps into Kathryn at the grocery store, Regina is there. When Emma tries to pin on the sheriff’s star, Regina walks in the door.

Whether at the grocery store, on the street, or at the pawn shop, Regina is there to watch and harangue the citizens of Storybrooke while her other mayoral duties are left unattended. She does manage to oversee a city council meeting here and there, should it coincide with her “Sabotage Emma” time.

Fruit of the Poisonous Tree

I’ve spent nights awake in bed, trying to figure out “Fruit of the Poisonous Tree.” Though the episode added depth to Queen Regina and her relationship with Sidney, I was left confused by several aspects of the story in Storybrooke and Regina and Sidney’s plans:

Sidney cutting the brakes

"Hey, apparently we hit a tree."

In his plan to win Emma’s trust, Sidney cut the brakes on the police car. As they follow Regina, Emma fails to stop the car, and they crash into a tree. If the brakes had been cut prior to Emma and Sidney leaving Storybrooke and following Regina, does that not mean they ran every stop sign and traffic light? Were there no turns on their journey? Did Sidney develop telekinesis and slice the brake line using his new powers?

Whatever happened, Emma is surprisingly blasé about crashing into a tree.

Emma’s inability to read blue prints

When Emma breaks into Regina’s office, she finds architectural blue prints for a large house. Knowing that Regina just bought land from Mr. Gold, she concludes that Regina is going to use city funds to build herself a mansion on the new land. Yet, when confronted, Regina reveals that she is building a playground, not a house, and makes Emma look like a fool. Seeing that the plans for a house would look nothing like the plans for the playground that was ultimately built, I think that this is a highly unlikely scenario. This is hand waved by having Regina call the plans an “inspiration” from Henry’s book.

Sidney and Regina’s convoluted, evil plot

"I can't believe that your unnecessarily complicated plan worked!"

Sidney takes a roundabout approach to gaining Emma’s trust. Imagine the amount of planning and preparation he and Regina had to undertake. They had to fake Sidney’s professional fallout, manipulate the city budget and files, set up the exchange with Mr. Gold, destroy the playground remains, and place the blueprints well in advance of approaching Emma.

Imaginably, Sidney improvised some things, such as cutting the brakes on the police car. But at the end of the episode, when Regina squeezes his knee, it’s as if all his long-winded plans have come to fruition. If Emma is none the wiser, it is not because Sidney was clever; it’s because he was inefficient.

Are you there, Carl Sagan? It's me, Shepard.

Instead, I have been replaying one of my favorite games, Mass Effect. About two years ago, my husband purchased Mass Effect for me as a Christmas present. I didn’t know what the game was about as I was barely a PC gamer at the time. I just saw a beefy looking man on the cover with a sexy woman and a reptilian-hybrid alien. It didn’t look like my cup of tea.

Within an hour of starting Mass Effect, I was hopelessly hooked. Within three days, I finished the first game, and played it through once more during the next week. Then I bought Mass Effect 2 and basked in the glorious aura of the sci-fi RPG over another weekend. By the end of February, I had banked more hours in the Mass Effect universe than I will ever reveal. Much like a woman might not tell her real age, I will never admit how much I’ve played Mass Effect.

Now, two years later, I reluctantly await Mass Effect 3, and, like many Bioware fans, I am playing through the first two games one more time.

As I traipsed around Eden Prime, I realized that this game would not feel as magical as it did the first time I played. I could gaze at the blank stares of my comrades and not see that same spark. But, this is not unusual; we all feel this way after coming back to a favorite movie from our childhood or rereading a novel we once loved. We still love it, and it still holds a special place in our hearts, but we’ve experienced more, read better writing and played better games.

That doesn’t mean I can’t enjoy myself and notice new details, though. Absolutely not.

So, here I am once more. Commander Shepard has returned; she is here to save the galaxy and run errands for the ambassadors on the Citadel. No small task is too petty for Shepard. Need the survivor of Akuze to scan the keepers? No problem. Got a religious zealot hamming it up on the Presidium? Shepard’s on it! She will even set the record straight on gossip about the asari consort, Sha’ira.

Previously, I never kept Ashley in my party long enough to realize how much she talked. Or maybe I just forgot. It only took a few moment on the Citadel to get her going, and she proved herself bigoted rather quickly.

"I can't tell the aliens from the animals." Ashley is just a little xenophobic. Also, there is a strict 'no pets' policy on the Presidium.

I also forgot how much she liked to embarrass Kaidan as we ran around the Citadel. She’s pretty harsh to him, despite knowing him just two days.

"That's because you don't understand women." Ashley lets everyone know that Kaidan is bad with women.

Why are you being such a bitch to me? We've known each other for two days.

She does seem to pick up on a few things though.

"I bet all these staircases aren't just for show. They make for good defensive positions if this place is ever attacked." Yet, Ashley can be astute.

C-Sec and its detectives, officers, and staff are ripe for a science fiction inspired version of the Wire, starring Garrus and Chellick along with Executor Pallin and Harkin.
 

Shepard meets Detective Chellick. Is he surly, or is it just a Turian thing?

Garrus needs no introductions. Just a gun.

I am curious to see what other things pop up as I continue through Mass Effect and Mass Effect 2 in advance of next month’s release.

I'm a Genie in a bottle baby... you gotta rub me the right way.

Here there be spoilers!

The story opens in Storybrooke with Emma and Henry at their special castle playground. After the violent storm, the playground is damaged, and Henry frantically searches for his fairytale book that he has hidden from Regina. Within moments, Regina drives up and confronts Emma for allowing Henry to climb over the broken playground.

Meanwhile, in fairytale land, King Leopold finds a genie’s lamp, and, desiring no other things in his world, wishes that the bonded genie be freed. Given this great generosity, the Genie comes to King Leopold’s castle as a guest to enjoy his first few days of freedom among the king’s court.

Sidney's bitchface is pretty good, but does not compare to Mayor Regina's.

Emma goes to Granny’s and runs into a dejected, inebriated Sidney Glass. He tells her that has been fired from his post at the Mirror and Regina has ruined his life. Now he wants to expose her for the crook she is. Emma is concerned that Sidney is being rash, and should instead be seeking out an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting.

Emma returns to the playground only to find Regina already there, tearing down the broken structure. She tells Emma that she needs to start acting like a real sheriff. Emma watches, thinking about Henry’s fairytale book, as the construction crew breaks apart the playground.

In fairytale land, the Genie is amazed by the grace and generosity of the King and, upon being introduced to his daughter and wife, is struck by the beauty of the Queen. Later that evening, the King celebrates his birthday and talks about how beautiful his daughter, Snow White, is and his dead wife. Queen Regina excuses herself to the courtyard to pout, and the Genie follows. It is important to note that the Genie is entranced by Queen Regina and has fallen in love with her. They both understand what it is like to be trapped. He offers her a mirror, blatantly foreshadowing the rest of the episode.

"Here, take this mirror. I totally won't get trapped in it like I did in that genie lamp."

Angered by the destruction of her and Henry’s playground fort, Emma agrees to meet Sidney at night in a dark tunnel that resembled the interior of a storm drain. Sidney reveals that Regina took $50,000 from the city’s coffers for an unknown project. Giddy with glee, Sidney tells Emma that they can get Regina by playing dirty, but our resident honest sheriff says no. She will do this the right way.

Emma meets Inspector Gadget to learn about the mayor's embezzlement of city funds.

Emma and Sidney submit a public records request – or just rummage through the city’s files – and discover that certain folders are missing. They go to the mayor’s office to question Regina, but she gives them the cold shoulder. Emma surreptitiously plants a bug on the edge of the mayor’s desk as she and Sidney leave.

Back in King Leopold’s castle, the King calls the Genie to his quarters and shows him the Queen’s diary. She has written of a man who gave her a mirror and says she is now as hope for love. Though the King seems more hung up on his dead wife, he is angered by his impotency and asks the Genie for help to find the man who has stolen the Queen’s heart. The Genie agrees to help him as horror creeps into his eyes.

The Genie realizes he is in deeper shit than he intended.

The Wire + fairytales = ???

In Storybrooke, Emma and Sidney act out scenes from The Wire, where Sidney is Lester Freeman and Emma is McNulty, and listen to Regina’s phone calls. Regina arranges a meeting with an unknown person later that evening in the forest. Emma and Sidney follow approximately 30 feet behind Regina, who must not check her mirrors. Emma pumps the brakes, only to realize that they don’t work. She and Sidney crash unspectacularly into a tree. Emma inspects the car and finds that the brakes have been cut; Regina must have known about their plan all along, much to Emma’s chagrin.

Mr. Gold pops out of the woodwork (it is a forest), acting no more suspicious than usual, and explains that he and Regina met to exchange money for land she had bought from him. Casting both Sidney and Emma a suspicious eye, he warns them not to let their emotions get the best of them and disappears into the woods, as if he has every reason to wander around after dark.

"Hey. Apparently we hit a tree. Does this concern you?"

In fairytale land, the Genie is besieged by the Queen’s father to take a special box to her. Due to her heart’s wandering, she has been locked away in the castle. The Genie asks what is in the box, and the Queen’s father says it is the only thing that can free his daughter from her wretched existence.

Emma is now mad. Really mad. She breaks into Regina’s office with Sidney and searches desperately for evidence. Estimating that she has about six minutes before anyone shows up, Emma rifles through folders, hacks the computer, prints documents, and decides to look for Henry’s missing fairytale book. Regina rushes in to disable the alarm and finds Emma and Sidney at the scene. Emma lies, saying that she witness some kids breaking into Regina’s home and chased them off; Sidney was a witness. Regina dismisses the sheriff, seeming to ignore the sound of the printer in the corner.

If the Genie kills the King with the awful CG snakes, he gets to bang the Queen.

The Genie takes the box to the Queen. She embraces him and proclaims that though her love for him grows every day, she is trapped and cannot bear her existence any longer. The Genie opens the box and finds two awful, poisonous snakes hissing and snapping. Unable to imagine a world without the Queen, the Genie asks her if there is another way, and agrees to kill the King using the snakes. Then he and the Queen can be free and be together.

Meanwhile, Henry is at the diner without adult supervision. The Stranger interrupts his writing, and, after dodging Henry’s questions, wishes Henry luck with his stories.

"It's sort of creepy how you're totally following me. And why are you so smug?"

Emma and Sidney discover that Regina is building an unknown structure on her newly purchased land. Sidney reveals that Regina had been having him spy on Emma and Henry and that he is why Regina knew about the castle playground and sought to destroy it.

Emma still doesn't understand how small town politics works and embarrasses herself again.

Invigorated by her anger, Emma heads to the city council meeting and accuses Regina of squandering city money on a new, lavish personal abode. Regina admits to taking the money, but shows that she was constructing a new playground where Henry and all of Storybrooke’s children could safely play. Emma is apparently confused by blue prints.

The Genie sneaks into the King’s bedroom at night and releases the snakes. As the venom drains from their fangs into the King’s body, the Genie thanks him for granting his freedom. King Leopold tells the Genie that he was right. He shouldn’t have made that wish to free him.

The Genie poisons the king with the snakes, and the King tells him he is screwed.

Outside of city hall, Regina scolds Emma and demands that she leave her alone. She is to stay away from Regina, and, more importantly, Henry. Immediately afterward, Emma finds Henry at the new playground (which looks absolutely nothing like the blueprints) and they talk over walkie-talkies. So much for that no-contact order. Emma promises to find Henry’s book, but he is morose.

Meanwhile, the stranger opens a box containing Henry’s book, and rubs his hands in delight. Okay, he didn’t really do that last part. Later, Emma and Sidney meet again at the diner, and, over beers, renew their alliance against Regina.

In fairytale land, the Genie returns to the Queen, having done the deed, but is thrown off by her behavior. The guards suspect him of poisoning the King. She set him up. The Queen reveals that she never loved him, and that she has no use for him anymore; he should take her offer for escape because even that is generous. Though he knows she is manipulative and cold, he wishes they could be together and pulls the lamp from his pocket. He disappears in a puff of smoke. The queen hears his cries and pulls out the gifted mirror to see the Genie, trapped once more.

"No! I am trapped again! Who could've foreseen this!"

At the mayor’s mansion, Sidney plays the recorded conversation he had with Emma at the diner for Regina. Aha! Regina and Sidney plotted this all along! Emma once more played right into someone’s trap! Now that Sidney is Emma’s new best friend forever, Regina will know everything she does and always be one step ahead. The episodes ends as Regina says, “I don’t know what I’d do without you” and squeezes Sidney’s knee.

I'm a genie in a bottle, baby...

...you gotta rub me the right way.

This episode had some really interesting plot points: Sidney as the Genie, trapped in a lamp, and later trapped in the mirror; Emma and Sidney’s investigation and the underlying plot to manipulate Emma; and the Evil Queen’s faux-love affair with the Genie. Yet, nothing quite fit.

Business. At night. In the woods. Nothing unusual here.

At one point, the writing defied all logic and, much like Emma’s police car, drifted slowly off course without any attempt to right the course or pump the brakes. In fact, that very scene made very little sense. How could Emma, with all her street smarts, follow Regina’s car so closely in an easily recognizable vehicle? Why would Regina and Mr. Gold be exchanging money late at night in the woods when doing it in Storybrooke would’ve sufficed? At what point did Emma decide that being reckless and breaking into Regina’s office was a good idea?

Emma doesn’t seem to have it all together. When the brakes fail in the police car, she and Sidney drift into an uninspiring crash. Yet, she and Sidney act pretty nonchalant about the whole thing until Mr. Gold shows up. Which is always a treat.

Through this whole episode, Henry shows that he is the most mature of all the characters.

We come full circle back to the same-old at the very end of the episode; Regina is still pure evil and driving a wedge between Emma and Henry; Sidney is as much of a sycophant as we originally thought; and Emma and Henry haven’t gotten any closer to breaking the curse. The only thing that gives any hope is the stranger, now in possession of Henry’s book. Presumably, the writers are dampening our spirits so that we will rally at a triumph in the next episodes. Or so I hope.

Here there be spoilers!

7:15 AM: Mary Margaret gets ready to stalk David.

The story opens in Storybrooke with Henry talking to the mysterious stranger, who arrived at the end of the previous episode, repairing his motorcycle outside of the mayoral mansion. He finishes his repairs, leaving a concerned Regina to look after her curious son. Mary Margaret rushes out of her house at 7:10 AM to arrive at Granny’s five minutes later, where she watches David pick up coffee. Emma busts her and calls her a stalker. Mary Margaret agrees after a moment, realizing that love is the worst.

You know, you're kinda a Creepy Creeperson...

Yeah, it is kinda weird. I shouldn't do that.

Meanwhile, in fairytale land, Red Riding Hood brings food to an isolated Snow White, who has been living in solitude in the woods for over a month to ease her aching heart. Red tells Snow White that the prince will be marrying King Midas’ daughter in two days, leading Snow to wish she could forget about Prince James. Red mentions an unholy man, Rumpelstiltskin, who may be able to help.

Rumpelstiltskin offers the "Forget Love" potion to Snow White.

Snow meets Rumpelstiltskin on a pier on a foggy night and asks for a cure for her love. He plucks one of Snow’s hairs and concocts an anti-love potion. In return, Rumpelstiltskin only wants to keep the lock of hair he plucked, which he will use for unknown sinister purposes. Has Rumpelstiltskin stopped signing contracts and gone to verbal agreements only?

Back in Storybrooke, Mary Margaret is picking up a few Apollo bars at the market when she bumps into Kathryn, who is buying a pregnancy test. Our omnipresent mayor, Regina, watches as Mary Margaret and Kathryn fumble with their groceries. Regina tells Mary Margaret to leave Kathryn and David alone, despite her own proclivity to be involved in all the petty and minor conversations in Storybrooke.

Mary Margaret picks up Kathryn's pregnancy test, much to her own dismay.

At the castle, Prince James is avoiding his pre-wedding feast and confesses to the king that he had a tryst with a woman in the woods. After being told to grow up, he writes a passionate love note to Snow White and sends it off with a carrier pigeon. He asks her to come see him at the castle if she loves him, apparently unaware of the challenge this may pose for a wanted thief.

Mary Margaret finds a dove in the woods, and, after talking to the veterinarian at the animal shelter, is determined to return it to the flock. In the meantime, Regina demands asks that Sheriff Emma look into the mysterious stranger, and Emma agrees, if only to protect Henry.

The guard makes fun of Snow White's love note from the Prince.

In fairytale land, Snow receives the love note from Prince James and heads to the castle. She is easily subdued by a guard as she watches the Prince walk by and is tossed into the prison. Her love note reveals her identity as the Prince’s sylvan lover to the guard.

Here Snow White meets the first dwarf, Grumpy, who has experienced the joy and heartbreak of love. In an attempt to win his fiance over, he got swindled for a diamond on fairytale-craigslist and was tossed into prison as a thief.  As Snow commiserates with Grumpy over the frustration of loves lost and hearts broken, a short, stout man ambles down the dark hallway. Surprised, Grumpy realizes it is his dwarf brethren– Stealthy!

Stealthy, the forgotten (or invented) 8th dwarf. Of course.

Meanwhile, Mary Margaret takes the dove into the forest to reunite it with the flock and ends up slipping and nearly falling into a ravine. Commercial break. David pulls Mary Margaret from the ravine, and they embrace in relief.

Back in fairytale land, Grumpy and Stealthy make for the courtyard to escape while Snow White takes the stairs. Grumpy and Stealthy are ambushed, and Stealthy is shot in the chest with an arrow and killed. Snow makes her presence known and threatens to burn down the castle unless the King spares Grumpy’s life. There are no fire safety codes in this kingdom, apparently.

As the storm swells in Storybrooke, Mary Margaret and David run through the torrential rain and hide out in a cabin, where Mary Margaret tearfully confesses that she only goes to Granny’s to see him every morning. James admits that he does the same thing just to see her. As the lightning cracks outside and the rain falls and the fire glows, they lean in toward one another, their hearts beating and lips yearning… and don’t kiss. Mary Margaret tells David about Kathryn’s pregnancy test, and he looks a little more confused than normal. The storm ends, Mary Margaret releases the bird, and decides that she and David should try once more to bury their feelings for each other. David is unconvinced, confused by the dual nature of his feelings for Mary Margaret and Kathryn.

We shouldn't do this.. despite the cliched setup, really. We shouldn't.

Emma finds the stranger at Granny’s and accosts him with questions about what he was doing with Henry and his mysterious box. He is hesitant to reveal what is inside the box, but Emma agrees to let him buy her a drink sometime in exchange for the favor. He opens the box to reveal a typewriter, which puzzles Emma. He is a writer and finds the town inspirational. He leaves without buying her a drink, making Emma grouchy.

I'm a writer. A really smug writer.

"Love is a disease." Whoa, that is harsh.

Back at the King’s castle, the King tells Snow White that she has poisoned the Prince’s heart and mind, and now she must tell him that she doesn’t love him at all. Only then will she free him of the disease of love. If she doesn’t agree, he will kill the Prince. Yeah, the King is a truly bitter old man. Snow tells Prince James that she does not love him to spare his life.

In the suburbs of Storybrooke, David and Kathryn have an awkward talk about feelings, and she reveals that she is not pregnant. She and James agree to work on fixing their marriage by seeing Dr. Hopper, the worst psychologist in town. That morning, David doesn’t go to Granny’s for coffee, reinvigorated by his commitment to Kathryn and their marriage. Mary Margaret doesn’t go to the diner either.

As Snow White leaves the castle in tears, Grumpy and his dwarven brothers come up beside her and whisk her away to their home. Realizing she can forget her pain, she pulls out Rumpelstiltskin’s potion, but Grumpy scolds her, saying that he would never forget his own pain because it made him who he is; a miserable dwarf living with six other men in the woods. Besides, she can always drink the potion later if the torture is too great to bear.

Snow White was unable to deal with her pain and drank Rumpelstiltskin's potion.

The following day, Prince James travels into the woods to find Snow White, but Red Riding Hood tells him he is too late. Snow is gone. At the dwarves’ grotto, Grumpy runs in to tell Snow White the great news. “James left Abigail!” he yells. Snow only looks at him, confused. The potion vial sits on her bedside, empty.

At Granny’s,  David and Mary Margaret run into each other 45 minutes later than usual. Mary Margaret, in blatant disregard for her earlier convictions, follows him outside. James reveals that his wife is not pregnant and they embrace. They make out as Mayor Regina watches from her sleek, black sedan, giving the best bitch-face she can.

"She's not pregnant!" Let's make out!

Mayor Regina gives us her best bitch-face yet.

These episodes concerning principle characters and their fairytale counterparts are stronger because the audience is comfortable and we are not being thrown down a rabbit hole with a one-off story. Storybrooke is familiar now; we know many of the recurring townsfolk, their stories and their relationships, and have all the background so that we can get to the good stuff. “Once Upon a Time” had a difficult set-up that translated into an uneven start. How do you reasonably get modern-day Emma from Boston to Storybrooke while integrating a full-fledged fairytale mythology?  It wasn’t easy, but it has paid off in later episodes.

Though David chose to stay with his wife, Mary Margaret is unable to bury her feelings for him, despite several thinly-veiled attempts to squelch them. She savors the secret moments when she can see him at Granny’s or outside the Chinese restaurant. David is conflicted because he retains both the dormant memories of Prince David, who loves Snow White, and his implanted memories of Kathryn. However, he knows that his feelings for Mary Margaret are real.  His confusion is only perpetuated by his promises to Kathryn to work on their marriage, a pledge he instantly breaks when he kisses Mary Margaret on the open streets of Storybrooke. Mary Margaret, David, and Kathryn are in for a whirlwind of betrayal, tears, and shattered relationships in the coming weeks. (Yes!)

I worry about the state of public works in Storybrooke. Regina has been the mayor for as long as anyone can remember, and there must not be a provision for mayoral elections in the town charter. Though she runs the town, she is much more concerned with gossip. She watches as Mary Margaret and David embrace. Meanwhile, down the street, a water main breaks, but the mayor is unconcerned; there may be adultery over here! The water main can wait!

One reviewer was thankful that they could skip the “too long, didn’t read” text blocks and move onto the next level. Individuals told Zach (of Zachtronics) that they loved the game, but were dumbfounded when he mentioned the story.
The story was not the main appeal for gamers; it was an added layer, meant to be perused by anyone who was interested in learning more about SpaceChem, the company, and the main character’s adventure.

Zach and I talked about other options for presenting the story before settling on the text narrative. Live- action video was time consuming, cheesy, and outdated, and dialogue boxes combined with character portraits could not show the level of detail we wanted.

SpaceChem's story was told through text excerpts with illustrations.

So, if SpaceChem wasn’t going to have cut scenes or heavy dialogue, what options did we have? The story was important to us on one level, but entirely incidental to the game. It was there, much like the Codex in Mass Effect, to provide more detail and information for the curious player, but it didn’t have any imaginable impact on gameplay. In the end, the most sensible option was to include it as text with illustrations. Text vignettes allowed us to include descriptive detail and tell the story within the limited scope and budget.

Puzzle Agent, by Telltale Games, is a puzzle/ adventure game with significant story development and characters.

Many puzzle games have no story or narrative, and do not suffer for it, but there are also games that are enhanced with cut scenes and dialogue. Puzzle Agent, by Telltale Games, merges puzzle-solving in a point-and-click adventure and features a cast of voice-acted characters, including Nelson Tethers, FBI puzzle agent. As the player character, Nelson Tether talks to other characters and explores the environment to uncover clues, solve puzzles, and advance the story. Professor Layton and the Curious Village, a similar puzzle game with an adventure game twist, is wrapped in a Victorian mystery about the Golden Apple and tells its story through animated cut scenes and strings of dialogue. The puzzles are integrated in the environment quite successfully in both of these games because of the pretense of puzzles inside of adventure games and the varied nature of the puzzles themselves. Characters in both games are rabid puzzle fanatics, providing a humorous explanation for why everyone wants you to solve their brain teasers before pursuing the greater task at hand.

Fleetingly, I’ve thought about what SpaceChem would have been like if we had built it into an adventure game. It would have obscured the core gameplay and required many more resources for art and writing. Besides, what would you do as a character? Walk from your office to the laboratory and access another computer to assemble ammonia? Would you enter the cafeteria for a cup of coffee and have to assemble a caffeine molecule?

SpaceChem’s strength is in its mind-bending and complex puzzles that keep you up at night. Players can spend hours, or even days, crafting a single solution and may come back to optimize later, adding several more hours of gameplay. Less than 3% of all players have beaten the game. Adding one more layer of abstraction on top of the already protracted game would have been excessive and unnecessary.

I realize that the nature of the puzzles in SpaceChem is inherently different from Puzzle Agent and other puzzle-adventure hybrids. SpaceChem’s puzzles are unique, but use the same set of mechanics, and can take a significant amount of thought and time to solve. Puzzle Agent and the Professor Layton series’ puzzles are short brain teasers with few commonalities, very rarely repeating mechanics, and the stories are part of the reward for solving the puzzles. Beating a particular level in SpaceChem is a reward unto itself.

In the end, I am glad we didn’t do live-action video (a la Ruckingenur), drawn-out dialogue driven cut scenes, or using an adventure game shell. Considering the scope, resources, and direction  for SpaceChem, the text narrative was a suitable way to add a story. For future games, I hope to write a more integral tale that will appeal to a greater audience with an enhanced presentation and a stronger connection to the game itself.

In the meantime, at least something I worked on has its own Television Tropes page.